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LiveJournal for ELecTric Barbarella.

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Wednesday, June 19th, 2002

(1 Anesthetic | Leave me numb)

Subject:Thank you...
Time:11:08 pm.
You're in my shower right now... woo woo.

Thank you for surprising me and coming to see me early. That meant the world to me. You going through all that trouble...and keeping the secret. I love you. So much. Thank you for the way you surprised me. I'll never forget that. And how I almost pissed myself. Thank you for picking me up...thank you for my chonies, and thank you for this morning.

Tuesday, June 4th, 2002

(2 Anesthetics | Leave me numb)

Subject:2 more Mondays.
Time:6:38 pm.
You've got to go through Hell before you get to Heaven.

Sunday, May 19th, 2002

(2 Anesthetics | Leave me numb)

Time:8:49 pm.
I watched Of Mice and Men again so that put me in depress mode. I finally watched the older version with Robert Blake a couple days ago. I thought it was horrible. None of the actors were right for the characters and it didn't seem anything like the story or book to me. They put in too much of their own stuff. Blake seemed like some kind of New Yorker which didn't fit George at all. Dumb bastard. It was bad. But the newer version is great.
So sad.

Saturday, May 18th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:blood. sugar. sucker fish. in my dish
Time:5:50 pm.
**** BlOOd SugaR... he's maGic

SeX MagiC *****

Friday, May 17th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Time:7:12 pm.
I was just thinkin about how when me and my cousin Grace were younger...we'd sneak in the back yard and smoke sticks. It was the lamest thing ever and we thought that we were being so bad. We'd get all excited when we'd find a hallow stick. Now my niece and nephew are getting in trouble for doing the same thing. Aw, I miss the good ol' dayz.
Anyways...today was a decent day. I feel like I'm getting some things in order. I have so much shit to take care of and it's making me a stress case. And since I have no life... I have nothing left to say.

Wednesday, May 15th, 2002

(4 Anesthetics | Leave me numb)

Subject:Strange Days
Time:8:33 pm.
Mood: restless.
I just got back from downtown Long Beach. Not the pretty side of the city. I miss Tim. A whole lot. I was by the airport and that reminded me of him.

Well I'm talking to Amanda now, so I'm feeling a little better. Her mom is fucking pregnant!! I can't believe it. And they're moving again. Poor Manda. Ever since she moved away, things have gotten odd. I probably won't get to see her again until summer. Just another thing to look forward to I suppose. Natalie is off to San Fransisco tomorrow to see her man. So jealous. And today when I asked her if she was excited..she said that it hadn't kicked in yet. Wha?? I'd be pullin my hair out! Prrretty strange...


I love You.

Sunday, May 5th, 2002

(1 Anesthetic | Leave me numb)

Time:6:48 pm.
Mood: calm.
'I want to travel South this year...'

Friday, May 3rd, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:CONSTANT internal conflicts
Time:2:24 pm.
Mood: stressed.
Today is one of those days where I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to be anyone else but me. I really don't have any right to complain the way I do. My mom said so many things this morning...some things I don't know if she truly meant or not, but they still swim in my head. All day I've dwelled in those words and my self esteem seems to be dwindling. Now I'm frustrated with myself for feeling this way...and it's just a constant battle with my mind. I think too much. That's all that today has consisted of...shit.

Thursday, April 18th, 2002

(1 Anesthetic | Leave me numb)

Time:9:06 pm.
Life without Tim is like sex without whips.

Sunday, April 14th, 2002

(1 Anesthetic | Leave me numb)

Time:6:29 pm.
My patience is dwindling down to NOTHING.

Saturday, April 6th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:Big Empty
Time:11:31 pm.
Mood:sad, lonely, empty, yet loved..
I've realized how much I honestly take for granted. Although saying goodbye literally tears me apart...I know how fortunate I am to have you Tim. Everytime this gets so much harder because I'm getting used to seeing your face everyday. Now I feel lost. How do I go back to bed without you?? The house has never felt so empty. I'm waiting for you to walk through my door at any minute, and wake up next to you.

There goes my insides again. I hope this gets easier. I will wait my lifetime for you. I love you more than words can explain and I miss you more than you could ever know. I will see you soon. Remember my promise.

I miss my best friend.

Thursday, March 21st, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:How can I speed up time?
Time:3:28 pm.
I know I am being selfish or irrational by complaining... but it's actually really hard when there is only a week left before he is here. I'm extrememly anxious, the time is lagging, and every day is just in my way.

Anyway, on a brighter side... I'm really glad because my parents are getting re-married the day before he gets here and things will probably be a little wack for me. But he'll be here for me and we finally get to spend a holiday together. It's little things like that that I really look forward to.
I'm trying to find things to keep myself busy to speed up time. It's hard to just sit around when I'm eagerly waiting for my baby.

Thursday, February 28th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Time:3:04 pm.
There's nothing about you that isn't right...

except the fact that you're not here...

Thursday, February 21st, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Time:3:29 pm.
Exactly six months ago... was the best day of my life.

Thursday, February 14th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:Love meeeeeeeeeeeeee
Time:3:52 pm.
Mood: good.
"Love me 2 times girl, last me all through the week."

I can't believe how many people don't like Valentine's Day. This is one of my favourite holidays. All I've heard all day is "I hate this fucking day." or "this is the most depressing holiday." well suck it up bitches. It's still great even when you don't have a valentine. And I know this well because I'm always that person. Except for this year of course. But still, just have fun with it.

Saturday, February 9th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:46 more days...
Time:10:53 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Today I cried. Like a baby. It's been a long time since I've actually cried like this. I was looking at all of our pictures from when you were here and listening to the emo cd that you made for me. When I hear this song I always think about us dancing in my room and when you gave me the ring.
You've been gone way too long. Constant memories run through my head. One of the things that I miss the most is waking you up every morning and telling you to keep me warm. I feel so empty and lonely right now. Everyday I realize even more how much you mean to me; How lucky I am to have found you. Nothing compares to you or the love that I have for you. I can't wait til you're here again, in my arms. For now all I can do is dream.
I miss You.
And I love You.

Friday, February 8th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Time:3:05 pm.
Mood: sick.
I've had a fever since yesterday and I feel like shit. It sucks too cuz there's a bunch of stuff going on this weekend. Tonight my bro's friend's band is playing again at the boogie. But I'm not going because I'm going to a hockey game. I may go to the after party. His band was finally asked to open for Dub All Stars at the Pond stadium and they're thinking that they may not be ready for it. DUMBASSES!!! They said that playing at a bar was a big enough step for them. So the offer for that is still up in the air. They better go for it.
Then on saturday my friend cara is throwing a suprise party at the Hard Rock Cafe in Newport Beach, but I rather doubt I'll go to that because I don't have money. And Natalie wanted to go to a show on that day....so I dunno.
I need to talk to my Love. I miss him and haven't talked to him since 7 this morning and oooo he just got online.
Anywho... so much is going on this weekend
Knowing me I'll probably end up doing nothin. I wish I felt better. So...we'll see....

oh yeah! I have bird shit in my hair!

Monday, February 4th, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Time:9:31 pm.
Ah! That picture has GOT to go Timmay! My face looks all distorted...and it's not like it isn't or anything, but that is just a horrible picture. I want a picture of you for my icon :)

Today was all about babysitting. I have been up with those kids since last night until now. My niece and nephew are the perfect form of birth control.

Sunday, February 3rd, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:Drinking Wrecklessly
Time:9:50 pm.
Mood: confused.
What am I doing here?

Who is this girl in my bed?

What is this shit on my face?

My God what is that awful smell?

She may be an angel.
She may be a queen.
She might be
Indian or

Saturday, February 2nd, 2002

(Leave me numb)

Subject:Long Night
Time:7:12 pm.
Mood:creeped out.
Helplessness is probably my worst feeling. I can't stand knowing that Tim is hurting and going through such a hard time, and I can't do anything about it. I feel that if I was there, it would help out...but I can't be there because of several reasons. It's bugging the hell out of me. These next two months better go by very fast.

I had a dream and it keeps haunting me. I dreamt that I opened this wooden shed, and a casket was in it. I opened the casket and inside was my grandad. Then I saw a man hanging. Well, to make a long dream short.... there was an insane murderer on the loose. He sent me a letter saying that I was his main victim and that if I didn't do what I was told then he would torture me, and if I threw the letter away then he would hunt me down and kill me. And to make everything worse, I could've sworn that Tim was laying next to me, so when i woke up and realized he wasn't there, I freaked out. I was all sweating and sheeyit. It probably doesn't seem like it, but it was the freakiest dream I've had in a loong time.

I told Rick about it and he said that he's had a lot of scary dreams with grandad in them. Like he was going to kill him and stuff... so I dunno. I wonder what caused me to dream all that. What in the hell do they put in Midol these days???

LiveJournal for ELecTric Barbarella.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.